“Where did I go wrong I lost a friend somewhere along the bitterness?…”
These are the words that keep on nagging me tonight. I said goodbye to a friend. A goodbye that before I thought won’t even hurt me, but now why these damn tears? I’m the girl with abandonment issues and I’m really having a hard time coping. Logically, I know what to do but I can’t seem to pull my act together. It always go back and back and back to the fact that I was left hanging. He said goodbye though informally but it’s still a goodbye and it’s not comforting in any way. I’ve tried to be silent about it; I’ve tried to talk about it with my trusted friends, but it still hurts until now. And I’m really starting to hate myself for being so damn weak, so damn a coward. I’m not even like these before. This is not ME. I hate the girl in the mirror, she’s lifeless, even the sound of her laugh sounds hollow. Here’s my theory, I can’t get past the hurt because somehow it gives me an identity, but an identity that I can do without right now. I want to be the awesome person that I was before all these. It’s affecting even my relationships with other people, people who care about me the most.
The one I said goodbye to tonight is a special friend. He’s been there all along. He loves me,I know, but I just can’t find it in me to love him. I care. Too much. But it’s not the same love that he deserves. I’ve pushed him away a lot of times but he didn’t listen, and I know he’s suffering because of me. And I don’t want that. I don’t wish on anyone the pain I’m going through because it feels like death. I don’t want want him hurt especially by me. I decided to sever ties with him. I have to be firm with this. Any loss is heartbreaking be it with a friend or a lover. I cannot keep on leading him on when am not even ok, and I don’t even know when will I be ok. I trust things will be BETTER. And all these brouhaha will be WORTH it.
What I do know now is that everytime I am being attacked by my vulnerable moments, I just pick up myself over and over again and reward myself for riding out another wave. This is me FIGHTING.